i fucked up, i fucked up worse than ever before... i really did, the biggest mistake of my life. and i regret every part of it. and i lost her again.
i really am a loser, i just dont understand my logic sometimes...
im sorry for lying to you all, but mostly im sorry for lying to you Christy, im sorry i lost your trust
you heard the subject download this song
"im in love with a girl named spike" by skankin' pickle
its about spike from degrassi and i know how all you kids love degrassi, peace out
its completely over... Christy said we can be friends further down the road, but were not talking so i dont see how that'll ever work... and to be honest i dont really care actually, she can go off have her fun and ill be doing my own thing.
bowling starts november 8th that goes for awhile, until i do track this year. doing everything to get in shape for football next year and just to be in top shape overall.
i like fall and how the leaves are pretty, i look out my window and i see orange, red and yellow its awesome.
i like this girl but she lives in north carolina, like 15 minutes from my dad, so meh.
going to NYC november 22nd, get home at 11:30 PM on the 23rd... 24th i leave in the morning to go to my dads for a few days.
getting my hair cut sometime this week, i dont know how i want it cut yet... but ill make sure it looks nice in case any of you see me around anywhere.
i think thats all thats going on... oh and this is the last... i dont want to have anything to deal with any of you guys anymore, most all of you have only caused me anger. it'll just be better off for me anyways, but if something important comes up i might write about it... but who knows.
its funny how we take the time we had/have together for granted, and then when its gone... they are all you can think about.
on that note ill end this thing with some tunes
"maybe i didnt treat you quite as good as i should've
maybe i do love you, quite as often as i could have
little things i should have said and done
i just never took the time, you were always on my mind
maybe i didnt hold you, in those lonely times
and i guess i never told you, im so happy that your mine
if i made you feel, second best, girl im so sorry i was blind
you were always on my mind, you were always on my mind"
im sorry its over. for good? i dont know, but for the time being... im sorry, im sorry it had to end this way, goodbye.
alright... so some big things that happend/happening are...
-Dance off was tuesday afterschool... the Black Panthers vs the KKK, 3 black kids vs 3 white kids had a "you got served" style dance off afterschool, i heard about it and wanted to go but i didnt want to have to walk home, so i didnt go... but ahaa! theres another one on friday afterschool, so thats what im going to do.
-going to my dads for thanksgiving November 24-28th and im also going at Christmas from the..... 20 something to 31st... only for a few days but meh =/
-Today i dressed up, well kind of, i wore my wine red shirt, jeans dress shoes and my black belt that goes with my shoes... tucked my shirt in and everyone was asking what it was for... even some of my teachers, i felt snazzy, it was nice.
-Had pictures today, my hair was kind of bothering me, it seems awfully big, im going to get it cut someday this week... shorter but not short, how it used to be.
i walked into science and was like "hey mr smith hows it going?" and hes like "mike i almost didnt recognize you without the hat... pretty fun times.
i talked to the school psycologist or whatever today... he was a nice guy, we basically talked about stuff that was up and he said that if i needed to i could stop by and talk with em. hes a nice guy Mr. Zeno
umm i dont know what else is up, but yah... so thats whats been going on... werd 2 days left this week and weekend finally :)
has anyone ever read about what kind of psykadelic (sp??) trips drugs can bring... it sounds interesting, well some... NO DONT GET THIS THE WRONG WAY. i was just about to say that i dont want to ever do hardcore drugs (drinking and smoking, im fine with) but i think itd be cool if someway you could go on one of those trips without actually taking something that could harm you. i heard about... ahh whats it called, Salvia... thats it, and you hallucinate and see crazy colors, i think itd be cool to do that, but id never take drugs....
meh just me thinking, what do you guys all think...
Hero (2004) leaving in 18 minutes. picking up dave... picking up rick, driving to Eastview.
lol i said "werd" to my friend, and we got into a discussion how nerds say "werd" and black people say "word" and i said, "well im closer to a nerd so i'll say "werd" and he said
"Kyle Raynor GL75: speak for urself
Kyle Raynor GL75: they call me white chocolate"
i thought that was comical...
alright so a bunch of kids went to the movie tonight, i got a ride out with meghan lantry and lisa moll. its kind of cool, lisas cousin Erin and i used to be great friends back in the day.
so we got there and these 2 kids Grant and Ahhhh what was his name... oh yah Justin Shank... meghans old boyfriend... yuck this kid was garoossssss
Listening to the early november "open eyes"... it really really reminds me of when Christy and i went to the concert wayyyyyy out in syracuse... er liverpool... ahh i wish i knew the date. and my family friend Mrs. Lawson was explaining to my mom what "Emo" was and she said "well.... they just cry... alot" and Christy and i just looked at eachother and laughed. well it was FREEZING out and we finally got in, and got Christy a Early november shirt... black with pink, i love that shirt, it looks hottttt on her. Christy wasnt feeling good so we got a bunch of waters, and french fries... now i kind of feel bad dragging her soo far out to a wild concert while she was sick. so the concert was sooo much fun, i remember some creepy band from california... i cant remember who else played... oh my god what was that band i used to love them... ah yes spitalfield! im going to download some right now... haha Christy and i put in like 5 or 10 dollars trying to win the raffle for the tshirts. of course we didnt win cause im an unlucky kid. so yah Christy and i went home with 1 shirt opposed to like 5 or 6. ahh god what a great night... and it was sooo awesome, the ride home Christy slept on my lap, and it was the cutest thing ever. <3
ok so the movie was still stupid, although there was a few funny parts "i caught you a delicious bass" ok so the whole movie meghan was trying to do stuff with this justin shank... and lisa grant and i kept trying to get her not too... and then we were like wtf she can do what she wants, so they left the theatre, and came back like 3 minutes later and meghan said they only kissed a few times? it was kind of funny, this kid looks like a smurf.
so at the end of the movie i got a pint of girlscout type mint icecream from 3 monkeys and just hung out outside with our friends... and who would ya know, my gym teacher for this year, i havent met her so i was like "hey i have you for gym this year, 4th period" and she was like "whats your name" so i told her and shes like "you seem like a nice kid, just dont be a pain in the neck, and dont forget your cloths" and i said "ahh come on were not at school, you can say ass" and she laughed so were cool now and now im on the good side of teachers.
ok so my brother picked us up and meghan was going insane about how she hasnt gotten any in a month and how she wants to "get ass from justin" although i was in question by what she meant by her getting ass... but i understood. lisa and i were trying to talk her out of doing shit with justin but... she has her mind set so we wont fiddle with that...
so meh... i dunno to say the least im still bummed about Christy... sad, but im trying to not let it take over my life... really sad. i have been getting out with my friends, and i think it might have made Christy think that i have lost interest in her... but of course i didnt, shes all i think about, even when im with my friends.
in 12 hours from now i will be at Christys house ^^ i am so excited, i just hope i dont get really nervous and screw up... to say the least, i miss her... incredible amounts, not just miss having her as a girlfriend, i miss seeing her beautiful smile, and touching her hand. =/
summers almost over... 10 more months till we get summer again... it'll probably be crappy though... well nevermind, who knows... no one knows right now i can make my next summer better than this one was... what a fucking waste...
on a better note... in an hour im getting picked up to go see napolean dynamite with.... meghan, lisa, steve, KC, carolyn, caity (my girlfriend from 8th grade lol) i think thats it...
im not sure if ill like it better this time or not, i dunno it just seems like immature shit.
this year im doing better in school, no doubt, i want A's and B's no C's... but what the fuck do my grades matter to any of you.
i know why im not happy, i have fucking everything... i mean everything i could want, friends, family, a home, food, water... girls... girls girls... but not the girl... i like being single and all, its just when i am home and not with friends... that i think... and i realize what im missing...
jenny and steve are still fighting, im still in the middle... god jenny is fucking stupid... she gets drunk, passes out and wakes up half naked with a guy on top of her... and she says thats not cheating... cause she didnt "want to" what a fucker, and anyone who agrees with her is a fucker... anyone who reads this and agrees... your a fucker too
ok so, this is wierd... everyone has heard that Christy and i broke up... well so far... err nvm... ill just say this
some girl from webster... Jess Sanny i think her name is, or what she said, IM'ed me tonight and knew who i was, knew Christy and i broke up, and was wanting to talk... odd, she wont tell me who gave my Screen name to her... i dont know this is wierd...
well im going to try and sleep soon, good night everyone.
my amigo from 6th grade Cseni, and KB are coming over tommorow.
Night Night... finally getting to bed earlier!!
oh and i ate frenchfries tonight!
yah... so things have changed drasticly in my life...
-i hated football so i stopped playing
-i got my hair cut, not short but shorter than it was
-as all of you probably know, Christy and I decided it would be best if we were just friends for now. I really dont know what is going to happen now, where our relationship may lead.
honestly, i have had alot of relationships before (i am not proud of it) but there has been alot, although i am still young, i know what i want in my life, i know who i want. I truly was happy with everyone when i was with Christy. I have thought i was happy before but all i did was lie to myself to think that, but now... there is nothing about Christy that im not happy about. so yes i know what i want, and im sticking to it. because in my life, for once... just once i was happy, and i hadnt a care in the world whenever i was with her.
i just dont know anymore... we'll see how it goes
i am fucking pissed off
i'm sick of this shit, i want to hurt someone... badly, i feel like the next person who comes in my way i will destroy.
i'd like to say a few things...
i used to think emo was alright... but now i think that "what the hell was i thinking" they piss the hell out of me, everything has to be about you doesnt it you little panzies... thats right i called you all panzies, go wear thick framed glasses, and cry about everything that hasnt come easy to you in life... yes CRY about it, and while your at it go cut yourself like real winners do... You want to know what i think... you crave attention, yes thats it i know a certain few people who will remain unnamed, who live off of attention, they feed on it and arent happy unless they have everyones attention in the area. ooh so you cut your wrist cause no one cares about you, well it seems like it worked you little son of a bitch, you got people to notice you, yah thats cause these faggity ass towns we live in are like that. we help people who dont need it... oh did i say we, i mean YOU, im sick of helping people, thats all i try and do and it never repays, you dont ever even give me a simple thank you, thats all i have ever wanted... but CHRIST your to fucking good for me, i forgot, i should have realized that when i first met you... all of you, your all to good for me, that must be the case.
all i did was give you everything and this is what you do to me... theres 2 sides to me, once you get on my bad side... its hard as fucking hell to get back on my goodside, so enjoy. ^^